Me, in a nutshell

This is from a comic by Lev Yilmaz. I changed a few words here and there to make it more tailored to myself, but it's largely word-for-word.

So I saw this girl at a party the other night, and she was really really cute, and so I started wondering if she was someone who hated small talk, and didn't hang out in bars, and wasn't interested in playing games, and maybe we could fall in love right then and there, and maybe she would always hold my hand in public, and always smell good, and not complain that I don't make much money, and give me the feeling I can do anything, and tell me I'nm good-looking, and make me feel like I'm the only guy in the world, and find it endearing instead of annoying that I won't touch public phones, and make me feel like I'm going places, and want to be a vegan but loves milk and cereal too much, and not look around the room all the time when we're out at a restaurant, and never stay mad at me for too long, and make the coffee at least 50% of the time, and bonk my brains out with great regularity, and tell me I look cool when I drive, and never answer her cell phone when we're hanging out, and not talk about her ex-boyfriends all that often, and write me silly notes sometimes, and say I'm dark and mysterious even after you've known me for a while, and tell me I could be a model for a best-selling dildo, and give me backrubs on occasion, and not get mad at me when I call her when I'm drunk, and not get scared if I get really attached, and not consider it a wasted day if we never get out of bed, and have a pair of those knee-high leather boots somewhere in her closet, and not get mad that I never remember the chords for that one song she likes, and make everything all better when I have a crappy day.

So then I tried talking to her but it was all awkward for some reason so I went home.